


Gideon Nav's Boner

by Reticula



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, F/F, Masturbation, Medical Kink, unpleasant things happening to vaginas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27556450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reticula/pseuds/Reticula
Summary: Gideon Nav has a medical problem, and Camilla Hect is the only doctor she trusts to deal with it
Relationships: Gideon Nav/Harrowhark Nonagesimus
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Gideon Nav's Boner

Gideon was in a lot of pain - like, a _lot_ \- and she could only think of one person she could go to for help. Well actually there were a number of people she _could_ go to, but there was no way she was talking to Palamades about it.

Camila Hect turned looked up from her desk as Gideon barged through the door. “I’m busy, Ninth” she said in her I-don’t-need-your-shit voice.

“Sorry, but this is pretty urgent and you’re the only person I trust to help. I’ve got a problem with my… you know, void portal”, replied Gideon, gesturing at her crotch. Camilla Hect rolled her eyes and gave a long suffering sigh - but not before glancing briefly at the screen partition in the corner of the room. “I’ve got some cream you can use. Try hydrating better in future”.

Gideon shook her head. “No, not that kind of problem. It’s, well, of a more unusual nature.”

“Well, maybe we can solve two problems at once then” replied Cam. “Fine, go ahead. What _have_ you done to your wilted window?” She gestured to the seat opposite the desk, but Gideon stayed standing behind the chair.

“Well, it’s a funny story” started Gideon, looking uncharacteristically shifty. Well, a different kind of shifty than usual. “I was… well, cleaning some of Harrow’s things, you know she can’t take care of anything that’s less than a century old. Well, I was sorting through her bones, and I found this radius, and I… slipped. And fell on it. And I should also mention, I just happened not to be wearing pants at the time.”

Camilla rolled her eyes. It was impressive just how much disdain she could get into such a simple expression. “Ninth, you should know better than anyone that bones are rough as all hell. What were you thinking?”

Gideon shifted some more. “Y’know. Sometimes you look at a bone, and you just think ‘I really want to stick that in my secret sepulchre.’ It’s not, like, rational. It’s just, like - an urge. You get it, don’t you?”

Anyone else would have put their head in their hands and bemoaned the stupidity of their patient. Camilla Hect just sighed a long-suffering sigh. “Gideon, normal people don’t get that urge. Normal people don’t see a pile of bones and think ‘That belongs in my ghostly gutter’. This is very much a Ninth thing.”

“Look, I grew up on the Ninth. There was nothing there but old people who were only just this side of mortality and skeletons. And it’s not like that, I didn’t have a thing for those reanimated skeletons, that would just be _weird_. All I had was my titty mags, and the only breasts in Drearburh that were even remotely perky were those bone ones that Harrow had strapped to her chest.”

Gideon went slightly red, and turned away, strange thoughts going through her head. And that was when she noticed her sword in the corner of the room. Her two-hander, _her_ sword, was sitting there, the tip covered with almost-fresh blood. Her head snapped back around to Camilla, anger rising in her as she snarled “What the hell is my sword doing in your room?”

Camilla’s expression was blank as she replied drily, “Turns out you’re not the only one who’s been putting inadvisable things in her needy necropolis”. She turned her head to the corner of the room, and Gideon followed her gaze to see Harrow stepping out from behind the screen, an expression of surprised interest on her face.

“Gideon Nav. It seems there is more to you than I had ever thought possible”, she said, moving towards the red-head.

“I could say the same to you”, replied Gideon, looking at the blood dripping out from under Harrow’s robe as she walked forward. Harrow’s expression had shifted from interest to something more - well, horny. “Typical Nonagesimus, trying to do everything yourself. If you’d wanted stabbing with my sword, you could’ve just asked me to do it.”

As the door closed quietly behind Camilla, she heard Harrow saying “Well, if you show me how to use the sword properly, I have some applications of bone that may be of interest to you”, followed by a messy-sounding _squelch_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the Cursed Tomb, you are all awful people and I love you. In particular I stole the various euphemisms from there. They're mine now.


End file.
